Apathy

I have stopped eating, or feeling hunger. I have a brain signal saying: “Go get some food,” but I don’t feel hunger. 3 days now. Yesterday I made some rice and added frozen peas and butter. I ate about 4 fork fulls. “Add some salt,” I said to myself. I did. But it didn’t feel like eating, and it didn’t seem like food.

The last time this happened I was 6.

Something very traumatic happened yesterday. Another, today.

Oddly: The previous few months, especially the last few weeks, were characterized by a strange wolf-like hunger. I ate and ate and still felt I was starving. My weight, since I returned from Sweden–10 lbs higher than my “normal” since age 21.

I have not been somebody who ever had to think about losing weight, but sometimes I had to think about gaining some. People hate skinny people and people hate overweight people. I think people also hate average weight people, as well as slightly pudgy people.

I am also not breathing properly.

I catch myself and I think:

“Breathe, for Christ’s sake.”

Then I draw one or two deep breaths.

People are always telling me to breathe.

Not wanting to eat, or breathe, is connected to rage about what has been taken away.

The last time I stopped eating, they had taken my mother.

This time, they’ve taken history. And history includes that is happening now, and is about to happen. In other words, everything that “happens–”

they have taken.

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. I.M. Pistoff says:

    Illegitimi non carborundum.

    If i had let any aspect of The Matrix get to me, i would have torn my own head off a long time ago. Learn to live outside and work around it.

  2. JIMMY says:

    Hoppas att du får tillbaka dina krafter snart, och har återvänt till USA.

    Jag förstår att många utlandssvenskar blir svårt medtagna chockade.
    Detta kan ofta liknas vid en intellektuell “kulturkrock “då man inte längre känner igen bilden senast man var i Sverige – och förfasas ser hur förstörda av den hermetiskt massiva totalitär demokraturen demoraliserat ödelagt samt MSM mediatystnaden hjärntvättade människor på bara 10 år numera förändrat i grunden Sverige är.

    Ta det inte personligt utan var glad att du har legal rätt att leva och bo i Amerika som tillåter människors olika åsikter att naturligt brytas i debatter utan att bli stämplade kallade för mängder av nedvärderande genomskinliga patetiska epitetet.

    Sverige kommer mycket snart att kollapsa ekonomisk och inte bara intellektuellt som idag är känt utomlands.

    • Celia Farber says:

      Jimmy, I want to find the energy to translate this remarkable comment so Truth Barrier readers can read it. I am well beyond shocked, and impressed that you, as a Swede, can a) survive it and b) be able to express is so cogently. Brilliantly. Like many other Swedes here, also. Not only your comment. I am so grateful and happy for every SWEDE who is here, and finds value in the reportage. I feel you are imprisoned people who need outposts in the “free world,” to tell your repressed story and even marginally help you get through each day without going our of your minds. I really get it Jimmy. I mean, as much as an outsider CAN get it. Thank you, and please let me know you read this. I do what I do for people like you, not for deniers of reality, not for apologists for tyranny. I have been shocked to discover what bloodthirsty positions lurked behind so many “friends” liberal positions, in particular, Swedish and Canadian friends. We have come to a fork in the road over this. But I will find new friends. Like you. Thank you.

  3. Holycowgirl says:

    Some earlier Nausea to help you with yours.
    Love,
    Barbara

    https://thehawksperch.wordpress.com/2012/08/04/nausea-sartre/

  4. kenji says:

    What does Celia Farber do for fun? That’s not something you need to tell us, the anonymous internet typists, but something ask (and answer) yourself.

    Recreation is a form of medicine. Re-creation.

    Indulge! Refresh! Return!

    • Celia Farber says:

      Kenji, writing is the only “fun” I know. Exposing evil is “fun,” but infuriating work. I’m not sure why fun is so important, right now. What do you do for fun?

      • kenji says:

        Exercise for endorphins, diversion, and fitness. Hockey once a week, weights 2x, cardio class, bicycle commuting. It helps clear me up and forces me to breathe deeply. I read novels to place myself in and out of someone else’s perspectives. I play video games with my son and nephew – I can still win at Mario Kart. And music. I jam with friends or construct tunes on my ipad with Garageband – it’s a different and sometimes clearer method of communicating feelings, and emotionally gratifying. Having dinner with my wife at some different restaurant in the city.

        I like to be involved in issues and aware of what is happening in the world, and of course it is important to let it touch you to some extent, but when it’s making you dysfunctional I would recommend pulling back or at least displacing it regularly with things that make you feel actually good!

        It’s not just for you, it is for your readers too. Been reading you since Spin in the 80s, your articles led me to Duesberg and that controversy. While I can’t say that I agree with all of his positions, it has helped me to examine arguments more diligently and to admire contrarians. That is a great thing. So take care of yourself!

  5. Stephen Ericson says:

    “This time, they’ve taken history. And history includes that is happening now, and is about to happen. In other words, everything that “happens–””

    I hate to sound like an academic, but history is told by the winners. Right?
    Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is simply keep track of what’s going on and never ever let the important details slip by. Even if all that means saving content from articles that may disappear.

    I wanted to share this one because, it kind of gets to the point.

    http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2017/03/so_obama_shut_comey_up_on_the_russians.html

    • john powell says:

      Stephen, it could be I’m hearing/feeling more than what’s there, but I perceive that her sense of history being taken was intended more expansively, more holistically, more epically than merely referring to current events.

      I perceive her picture, of history taken, as referring to history in total: History having been taken by “Man’s” machinations, globally, through ages upon ages of abusing and corrupting both Nature and humankind’s relationships with Nature and each other.

      Clearly, that’s much more traumatic than a trivial passing political season.

    • I.M. Pistoff says:

      “History is more or less bunk.” – Henry Ford

      History, like ‘truth’, is often told from the perspective and agenda of the teller.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Celia this is your old pal Robertini, I like that guy Sal, succinct, poetic, truthful, and yes I do believe that he is on to something because I think that some of the higher echelon on the unhinged left are border line diabolical and are doing the bidding of the father of all lies, per example, look at our boy George ‘sore ass’ Soros who is an evil, evil man. And it seems that the masses are being bamboozled by the constant jabberwocky coming from these hate mongering fu#$ks who pretend that they ‘care’ but who really and truthfully loathe everything about a free and open society: The Hellenistic viewpoint filtered through Judeo-Christian values fermented by the Magna Carter and distilled by our Founding Fathers, aka Western Civilization. This is what they desire to dissolve because freedom is the greatest weapon against their Stalinist bullsh$t. So dear Celia we, especially Europe, is in dire need of your insight, keep the faith and do not shut your mouth. As Polonius said to his son Laertes in Hamlet, “This above all else, To thine own self be true.”

  7. Rebecca Lee says:

    I have been exactly where you are now. Just didn’t feel like eating and every morning when I woke up I would check myself out to see if I was still so frigging depressed. For me it wasn’t weldschmerz, just mundane shit, like a big insurance bill.I couldn’t pay and other stuff incidental to running a disfunctional business. An SSRI helped at the time. It was detoxing that changed everything, ultimately. But you know what I think about that.
    None of this shit that pierces you to the heart bothers me that much. It has always been thus, dontcha know. It may get a tad better as the pendulum swings on back. But until the trump resounds and the sky rolls back like a scroll, I am not expecting much. In the meantime, I do my meditation practice. It is supposed to help..

  8. Barbro Björnberg says:

    Thank you for your blog.
    Blogs likes yours keep many of us alive at these times.
    Naturally we all see ourselves as in the centre of things. Being in Sweden I think it must be worse here.
    It seems natural to me to see your situation from the perspective that you came back from Sweden.
    This wonderful place on earth. All these strange people here who easily socially decapitate fellow human beings with the notion that those people were wrong. They did not have an opinion that was wrong, they as persons were wrong.
    All these people with this attitude have been here all the time and I did not see them. Strange?
    It makes your world shake.

    • Celia Farber says:

      Thank you for your kind and warming words Barbro. Thank you for your courage. I love the way you phrase things,

  9. john powell says:

    Revitalize:

    Worshipping sunshine.

    Worshipping birds singing and chirping and squawking.

    Worshipping rivers and streams flowing, with leaves floating shallow elegant dances above the riches of mesmerizing transparent depths.

    Worshipping the ocean, your origin, and thereby being welcomed home.

    Worshipping glorious skyscapes.

    Worshipping creatures, the tiny and the mighty, emanations of Creator Universe one and all.

    Worshipping the innocent in every variety of infant.

    Worshipping the embryonic sensory: The inside exhilaration and invigoration born of communing with all which is your native womb outside.

    Revitalize!

    THAT, my dear temporarily apathetic one, they have NOT taken, and CANNOT take!

    Revitalize! Rebelliously. Defiantly. Delinquently. Disobediently.

    Revitalize! Renew your inside renegade nature of Nature, who is Life For The Living Moment Outside.

    Revitalize, in a solitary revolution for your right to take back what they cannot take from you.

    Arise! Awaken! Go, devoutly, day after day. Let none deprive you of Her tireless embrace and majestic mothering.

    Savor the inextinguishable flavors of worshipping all that’s happening just for you, beyond what “happens”.

    Just for you.

    Your revitalizing waits, just for you.

  10. Sal Gagliano says:

    Just saw this.
    I had no idea it was that bad for you.
    Want to feed you.. or something.
    Take you to a fun movie? Dinner at the Peruvian place.. or not.
    Bring some joy to you in some way.

    Want to thank you for all that I’ve learned from YOU, the opportunity with the radio shows, etc., and your friendship.

    Unfortunately, we are in the prewar stage at this incredible time in history. You know it. Your body knows it and it’s very hard to process. Hard for all of us that are aware of what’s at stake. We’re getting beat up…physically and psychologically in this blue state bastion of brainwashed banality. And I get that you’ve had enough. You just want to settle down to some nice normalcy and prosperity. We all do, but we are alive NOW, summoned by the fate of our own Vibration and drawn together for this great purpose.

    Meanwhile, the programmed assassins are gearing up with their useful idiots for a fight that they will lose Badly if they are so stupid to start it. The pedophiles at top with their operators in both parties are shaking in their boots because they know for the first time that Someone is serious about bringing down their Satanic Syndicate and that the Great Will of the American people is completely behind him. The not-so-major-anymore media can’t stop him. The sold-out-to-the-Chinese Hollywood establishment can’t stop him. The scatological Pope can’t stop him. The war-mongering democrats and neocon republicans can’t stop him. Even if they kill him. ‘No force on earth can stop an idea whose time has come’. He has said many times that he is only the messenger. If they are so stupid to trigger an assassin, you can count on it that their hired security professionals will turn against them so hard that they may as well kill themselves, or come to grips with the fact that they are all going down, one way or the other.

    Truth is coming to the United States of America. After 100 years of old world order Federal Reserve rule, Truth is finally coming. It will be ugly but also beautiful, like you, who have held that torch for 31 years. Please don’t despair. Truth is coming. The power of Goodness in the Universe, or God if you want, is coming. This is a natural reaction to Tyranny. The American people and the people of the world have been pushed too far and they simply are not going to take it anymore. Or in the basic words of our fearless leader, “It’s not going to happen anymore.” He doesn’t have the oratory skills of his predecessor, but his heart is true. And when you are in a pit of snakes, you don’t complain when a strong armed man above is throwing you a solid rope. But It’s up to US to pull ourselves out. Substance will final win out over Form. It’s up to us to Stand up, Speak out and tell the Truth wherever it takes us. Defend the Constitution from all enemies foreign and domestic. Enforce the Law.

    Hopefully when the indictments come down, heads will roll, and the shock of it will break the programming of all the mind controlled victims. They will be able to see clearly for the first time that they have been enslaved…and then the New Renaissance will begin.

  11. Annie says:

    I have this recurring voice that says “I wish I was dead I wish I was dead.” But that’s not what it really means. It has something to do with wanting to go back and redo the past maybe or some kind of self hatred for not being able to do the right thing. I don’t really know.

    • Stephen Ericson says:

      I have that too Annie. The voice… “Steve died” Even when I’m doing Ok.

      Sometimes it’s really hard to deal with.

      • Annie says:

        I wonder if it has something to do with the impulse to ask difficult questions- which is a kind of risk taking behavior. Idk.

        • John Barron says:

          I hear “you (meaning me) are AWESOME ” in my head.

          • Annie says:

            Wow. That’s fascinating. Thank you for sharing.

            • John Barron says:

              Its true. You should feel the same. You , me all of us started life as the strongest. It was us who beat ot the other million + to the egg. You started life as the best. Why not feel that way all the time. This political stuff is a goof , like say baseball , sure we want our team to win but whatever. We cant control the world. As the song says “you cant stop the world , why let it stop you” .

  12. Celia Farber says:

    My sister called me deeply alarmed and so I added this on the (automatic) FB post of this:

    [Warning Label: I don’t mean this piece as journalism but as science fiction of a sort. I am going to eat. Please don’t worry. I don’t need “healing” or nutritional advice or attitude adjustment, I am just starting to subjectify my experience, this way. It’s fiction.]

    • Sharon Warner says:

      Oh good, so glad to read that this is fiction Celia. I was ready to send you some motherly advice.
      Such as: take D-Ribose, it gives energy and increases appetite while controlling blood sugar; best taken after food.

    • Holycowgirl says:

      You’re disconnecting. Don’t. Read Sartre’s Nausea, Brace up.
      Sparhawk

    • Annie says:

      A “fictional” version of Celia’s history (no need to actually make anything up- Just write all the facts) might be useful- so people could at least know details the way they know all about Hogwarts and Hermione- truth being stranger than fiction it might be a best seller.

  13. Brian says:

    I just drink, smoke cigarettes. Eat treats and take vitamins. And wait for the world to end.

  14. Berenice Kavanagh says:

    May the healing come swiftly.

  15. Berenice Kavanagh says:

    The Twilight of Freedom ~ Osip Mandelstam – Moscow 1918

    Let us praise the twilight of freedom, brothers!
    the great year of twilight!
    A thick forest of nets has been let down
    into the seething waters of the night.
    O sun, judge, people, desolate
    are the years into which you are rising!

    Let us praise the momentous burden
    that the people’s leader assumes, in tears.
    Lets us praise the twilight burden of power,
    its weight too great to be borne.
    Time, whosoever has a heart
    will hear your ship going down.

    We have roped swallows together
    into legions.
    Now we can’t see the sun.
    Everywhere nature twitters as she moves.
    In the deepening twilight the earth swims into the nets
    and the sun can’t be seen,

    But what can we lose if we try one
    groaning, wide, ungainly sweep of the rudder?
    The earth swims. Courage,
    brothers, as the sea falls back from our low.
    Even as we freeze in Lethe we’ll remember
    the ten heavens the earth cost us.

  16. Scott Gordon says:

    Thank you for sharing.

    Sometimes food and toxic news, events and trauma do not mix. Abstaining for a time may actually speed the process of emotional healing, and it sounds like you listen to your body as it will tell you when it is ready and what it needs.

    May the healing come swiftly.

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